Team Cohesion

Cohesion: “The action or fact of forming a united whole.”

Do the teams in which you are currently active feel fragmented? Do you have each other’s back? Does conflict lead to more connection? Are there things unspoken that should be talked about? Does everyone have a voice? No, I am not fantasizing about a utopian vision of teams, I am speaking into a possibility. No team is perfect, and one of the things that will characterize a team is not if there are breakdowns, but rather how are they handled.

A well-defined set of a team’s cultural practices is the first step, but only a first step, a beginning. Best case, the team leader defines these practices in conversation with the team. Left to its own accord, team practices will define themselves, which can lead to team chaos; everyone playing their own game, lack of cohesion. The next step is team alignment to the practices. Full commitment to team practices means that even if one disagrees, there is still commitment to the practices with a positive mood about it. There would never be any intentional action to undercut or controvert the agreed upon practices. And if one is not willing, maybe it is not the right team for this person. This may seem rigid, but no, I suggest this is one of the fundamental necessities of world class teams. How long would a soccer player last on a team if they didn’t play by the rules of the game or refused to be a “team player?”

What does a cohesive team feel like? I say “feel” rather than look since from the outside, teams could look the same, but can certainly feel very different. In the teams you participant in, is there:

• Consistent upbeat, positive mood
• Personal accountability
• Informed, graceful leadership
• Ongoing support vs finger pointing
• Everyone has a voice
• Conflict is resolved quickly
• Honesty and authenticity
• Trust is ongoingly built on purpose

There is a look and feel on teams that are well structured. And it’s not just that team members get along or whether they are friends or not. It becomes more about respect for each other, support for each other, interest in each other, listening to each other, and let’s not leave out high levels of expertise, effective and efficient coordination, clarity or roles and responsibilities, and clarity of action both on the giving, receiving, and defining of actions. Everything mentioned here is a kind of practice or can be practiced, and when well defined and well trained, great things can happen. Well trained means that the defined coordination practices are practiced and refined on purpose, that the skills are supported through conscious recognition and application of support as needed. And support won’t always be technical, like defining the pragmatic structure of effective request, it will also look like the personal support of the Self when old issues get in the way. There is recognition that not everyone can do everything with ease and grace, that we sometimes must take on personal issues to develop an embodied competency.

It will never be a perfect ride. Humans make mistakes, we occasionally mess up, and we may inadvertently create breakdowns. It becomes a necessity with world class teams that assessments are regularly offered regarding performance and team behavior. Real time, straight forward, honest assessments with grounding: “It appears you are not being careful enough with your work, and I say that because you did this at this time, and you did this at this time, etc.” Issues are addressed as they occur, not once a year in a review (worst case scenario). This requires that the assessor be willing to step into what might be a difficult conversation, and the listener to be open and curious about what is being offered. It may not be easy or comfortable to attend to these kinds of things on a regular basis and keeping the air clear of unresolved issues can and will prevent frustrations and resentment and reduce stress levels.

A word about Mastery. This is the difference between good enough, which is totally reasonable in some domains, and an ongoing effort to be the very best. Mastery is only obtained by the latter. The process and effort of becoming the best is at the least a challenge and will ask the best of ourselves to be fully involved. But wouldn’t this be just a marvelous way to live life anyway?


What is a human being? Who are we really? There are so many ways to answer this question, so many different aspects of humanness to consider. There is our physicality, our physical bodies. There is our mental capacity, one of the things that define us as humans. There is our emotional state, moods and emotions that can gently affect us, or emotional states when we can feel frozen, panicked; where we can “lose it.” And there is an energetic self, the energy and aliveness that courses through us all the time, and there is a spiritual self. Why is this important for our “team” conversation?

Most of us reside most of the time inside of our “thinking self.” It is recurrently drilled into us subtly and overtly that our thinking is who we are and is clearly the most important part of ourselves. Without a doubt, the ability to think clearly, to be able to focus our thinking, to be able to think through problems and to innovate are all very positive skills and abilities which our thinking-self offers us. There is the power of effectiveness that comes from these skills and abilities. Because this is so important and is the domain where we often get the biggest rewards, it can be easy to minimize or ignore the rest of ourselves.

One of the biggest complaints when working virtually, is lack of human connection. Feeling isolated, alone, missing that touch on the arm, or a well-placed hug. For many, it was not noticed how important human connection is until it was gone.

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ~ Brené Brown

This is not something we can think into existence, this is a conscious, energetic practice. Having an energetic connection to others as a skill and requires a strong connection to our own energy, life force, aliveness, however you want to name it, and it is not a given that we are connected to our own energy. It is always there in us, but over this last few thousand years, humans have learned to disregard, minimize, or deny this aspect of our humanness. We have all met people for the first time and are immediate drawn to them. The opposite also, when we meet someone for the first time, and we are repelled in some way. That is mostly an energetic reaction.

When forming and constantly improving high performance teams, this underlying energetic connection is critical, and it can be created and lived in a conscious way. We can extend energy into every interaction and meeting to not only be smart, but to be intuitive and aligned with each other, to be able to “feel” when something is off, and to sense when it is appropriately accurate.

Managing our moods is a capacity humans have. It is a practiced skill, and it not about denying our pretending what is happening to us in the moment. And, we can bring forward the “appropriate” mood for the occasion. For example, I am in a meeting where the team commits to a decision that I fervently disagree with, and I am angry that this decision was made. Instead of being a complainer, or using one’s, “I told you so” voice, I put that mood into the background and bring forward an upbeat mood of commitment and alignment with the team for the sake of the success of the team.

Our moods and emotions are also part of the feedback loop of our humanness. Have you ever left home with that feeling you have forgotten something? Do you notice that it is a visceral feeling and not a thought? Feeling guilty is often a message suggesting the need for an apology, feeling resentment is suggesting the is an unfinished past action that has not be completed, and on and on. Deep ongoing connect to ourself is living our humanness.

Connection to the Natural World

In 2003 I had the opportunity to visit a hunter/gatherer tribe in Africa. Having already spent two and a half weeks in the bush, I was living in a beautiful hyperawareness, and as a Somatic observer (how people live in their bodies), I could see and feel that the people in this tribe are the forest they live in, there is no separation. It was the realization of the distance we, particularly as westerners, have come from an embodied connection with all life. It is clear there is a necessity for that connection as their life literally depends on it. I am not suggesting we all go back to living this way, our daily lives don’t require this as a necessity for survival, and the distance we have come from that connect has, among other things, allowed us to wreak havoc in the world. We suggest that part of our humanness is the capacity and role of caretakers of the world we live in.


Conflict is not an if, its a when. Conflict happens and regularly gets a bad rap, as our culture has mostly defined conflict as a negative. But is it?

Conflict: “A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.”

For a whole group of people, conflict can be much more encompassing. Even the slightest disagreement can feel like conflict with an associated negative, limiting response. How often have you experienced an over-the-top reaction to some statement or assessment you have offered? It is important to understand that everyone has an historically derived, built-in response or reaction to what will land on their Self as conflict. We can give a dictionary definition, but in reality, we’re all across the spectrum of diverse reactions in real life. Conflict is a kind of pressure or stress we feel coming at us. Under pressure and stress, we will react instinctively in one of several ways. Our reactions may be domain specific or determined by who we feel is pushing against us. Unmanaged, our reaction can range from moving away from conflict, moving against the conflict, acquiescing, or freezing. Our own individual, unmanaged reactiveness will most likely not resolve the conflict and will often just make things worse. As a likely cultural response, it is often assumed that conflict is negative and often our worse fears will surface.

Another “natural” response is to defend and explain. I use the word “natural” here due to seeing this human phenomenon show up almost everywhere, even in myself. But it is not a thing that happens in us for no reason, it has been infused into our personality from multiple directions.

So, what is the alternative? No conflict? Avoiding conflict? Pretending it’s not happening? I would suggest conflict is best addressed by walking into it. “Oh, boy!” you say, “fun!” And obviously not an automatically easy answer. Aikido offers the possibility to reinvent how we move with conflict, not against conflict. Is it easy? No. Will it be a skill that can be applied just because I know the idea of it? No. The reshaping of our individual and team practices related to conflict requires a focused practice and is a requirement of team cohesion with world class teams.

The first requirement is the practice of a new narrative. Our stories produce our reality, so let’s change the game:

Conflict is inevitable, useful, even generative, and can produce increased intimacy.

The new practice is to turn towards and face into the conflict. For most of us this is counterintuitive. And by turning into and facing, I do not mean pushing it away or fighting against it – now we’re in the old paradigm again. Part of the new practice is how we face into conflict, the mood with which we enter into the conflict. This new practice asks for patience, curiosity, empathy, and compassion. What?? In the face of what feels like an attack? Yes, that is exactly what I am suggesting. This also means that I am willing and able to take a stand for dignity and integrity in this moment. I am NOT becoming a target; I am offering an alternative to the clash of conflict. I am suggesting that we can learn to manage the automatic, limiting reactiveness and shift into our best Self.

There is also the skill of evaluative listening. Most conflict is espousing interpretations and opinions, also called assessments. A practice of curiosity will assist in deeper understanding of other’s viewpoints and maybe even shift one’s position. When dignity and integrity become the ground for difficult conversations, we refrain from meanness, from dumping our emotions on other, from name-calling and blaming, and from shutting out other people.

These skills won’t always come easy. We will often be faced with our own limitations that may have to be dealt with and shifted. One cannot just overlay a new practice over an old practice. What is required is the reshaping of the old practice into something new and different. This sense of reshaping is one of the keys to systemic, fundamental change either as an individual or as a team.

Accountability and Trust


Being accountable, holding others accountable, and clarity of actions occur as breakdowns for several reasons. There is often a lack of a uniform set of cultural standards and practices. While there is a consistent desire to do “a good job,” how to achieve this and having the necessary personal skills is often lacking. The gears and practices of good action are so normal for us that they are often overlooked. No one doesn’t know how to make a request, but few are imbued with the wisdom of the intricacies of request, offers, and promises where all possibilities get covered. Even when all the parts are known intellectually, people can run into themselves in the execution.

Even at the leadership level in organizations, it is frequent that I hear, “Well, it’s just quicker and easier if I just do it myself.” It often stems from the unwillingness to hold others accountable as the conversations could become heated and contentious. There are also the breakdowns of lack of learning from mistakes, lack of feedback, and, well, is there really time to do my job and someone else’s? These are issues of the Self, an historical shaping that makes these actions hard or impossible for some individuals to take.

The accountability breakdown can be solved by putting into place a set of practices relating to the daily activities of human coordination:

• Clarity of request before asking
• Clarity of what is being asked by both requestor and promisor
• Making clear promises
• Declaring completion
• Assessing and declaring satisfaction or dissatisfaction

Done well, this remedies the majority of the breakdowns of accountability, holding others accountable, and clarity of action. Personal skills that often require improvement can include:

• Willingness to commit to timelines and manage commitments
• Personal clarity – asking questions, negotiating outcomes
• The ability to be in courageous conversation
• The ability to say “no” and to accept a “no”
• Honoring competency and capacity, mine and others

When teams adopt and embody these practices, efficiency, effectiveness, satisfaction, and engagement will increase. Done well, trust between team members increases significantly.


Building trust with others is a skill. It is powerful to acknowledge and attend to embodied tendencies and be choiceful about how we want to be seen and assessed. What identity do we purposefully want to create both inside of and outside of our relationships related to having others trust us?

From our shaping, we will be more or less inclined to extend trust or limit trust. There is no right or wrong about this, and one of the values of knowing ourselves is to know this leaning. The knowing offers choice. When deciding trustworthy, we can use the skill of assessing and grounding our assessment in observable actions related to sincerity, reliability and competency.

Trust is intricately connected to safety. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is a basic human need. Everyone, even if not on our conscious radar, seeks safety. If we bend to the will of our historical shaping, we are likely to fall to one end of the safety spectrum or the other. On one end, there must be proof of trustworthiness. Either trusting people or circumstances is difficult, as life experience leans more towards life (and people) are not safe. One’s radar is up and looking for ways and excuses NOT to trust, because obviously, the world is not trustworthy, look what it did to me! Originating from a basic need, this runs deep and is not exorcised easily. Whether or not something is safe or not, is not a truth, it is an assessment (interpretation) of what is going on. It may be easy for us to assess that a person with a gun is not safe. For some, when that person is a policeman, they will assess safety, or they may assess danger. The circumstance is the same, but the viewer will interpret through their experiences. The truth of the circumstance can be argued.
The opposite end of the trust spectrum is over-trusting. Everybody’s cool. Trust will happen until it is revealed as missing.


How is it going with your meetings? Really, another one? Is anything really going to get done? Is this a waste of my time? I have too much to do to attend another meeting!!

Sound familiar? To be clear, there are many meetings that go well and have a lot of value, and the opposite seems too often to be many people’s experience. An effective, efficient meeting is a set of skills. There are skills of the team leader and skills of participants, and there are many possible breakdowns in meetings. One of the most prevalent is that the nature or purpose of a meeting gets mixed and off topic with things left unfinished. There are numerous ways to name types of meetings. What we offer here is not “the” way, but “a” way that supports keeping things simple and clear. We recognize that there are specialize meetings for distinct purposes like a sales meeting, and specialized meeting will fall into one of these categories.

Here is our list of types of meetings and their purpose:

Innovation/Brainstorming Meetings

The purpose of these meeting is to discuss ideas and possibilities and for brainstorming. This is not where actions are directed or request or offers are made but they allow the flow of the widest range of possibilities. Some people are better at this than others, so knowing who is good at this on a team has value. It is also important to hear all voices, as it is clear it is easier for some to speak up in meetings than for others, and it becomes the responsibility of the team leader to allow all voices to be heard. It is not unusual for the quiet voices to have very creative and valuable ideas.

Planning/Action Meetings

These meeting are designed to assign actions, to make request, to make offers, and to make commitments. How this is done is vital as this part is the gears and mechanisms to get work done. Questions will arise to clarity, accountability, and trust.

First, clarity. When assigning actions or making request or offers, are the expectations clear? What does success look like? When receiving request, are you clear about what is being asked of you? Do you have a clear timeline, a clear by-when results are needed? For this to work well, there must be permission to ask for clarity of the request or offer, for it to be OK to counter-offer; basically, to negotiate what we call the “conditions of satisfaction.” It becomes important to be able to speak up, to have permission to decline, and to able to receive a decline. As an organization, declining has value and will impact over-work and over-promising which very often leads to lower quality of work.

The skill of being accountable and holding others accountable is one of the leading breakdowns in organizations. It is about making realistic promises and a commitment to fulfilling one’s promise. One possible reorientation is that the promise is not about the task, it is about making a commitment to a person, it is about building a relationship. Fulfilling promises and commitments on time builds trust.


This is when updates and current status conversations regarding projects and outstanding promises and commitments happen. Individuals are reporting, that is the overall purpose here. Per design, that is, by choice of the team and/or the team leader, this time could also be used for making requests and offers related to the report, declaring breakdowns (such as not meeting a timeline), complaining for action, or hearing questions or comments from the team. It becomes even more important to have attention on “straying” in the conversation. Items can always be tabled for later or for the appropriate kind of meeting. If a shift in the function of a meeting takes place, it is important that this is openly declared.

Process/Assessment Meetings

Breakdowns happen, we are human, and we make mistakes. How we handle our breakdowns and team breakdowns will make an immense difference in the overall mood of the team. Process and assessment meetings are not just about the mistakes, more likely they will be around the fallout. What incomplete or unspoken conversations or behaviors are not being discussed? Elephant in the room? Maybe a herd? The team supports clearing the air, not holding “stuff” with other people or processes. Assessments are offered with explicit grounding. The assessment is the interpretation of the event where we will express things like value or aesthetics and are never true or false, never right, or wrong. They are interpretations, opinions, verdicts, or judgements.

These meetings can be difficult for participants which is one of the reasons they are often delayed, or the necessity ignored. I have been in a number of these types of meetings, and are they difficult? Yes, but the outcome of clearing the air and being upfront, authentic, and honest with each other (in a good way) produces a relaxed and open atmosphere within which to work.

What can go wrong in meetings?

Straying off topic is one of the bigger breakdowns in meetings and can produce the feeling that meetings are a waste of time. Another breakdown is the loud voice gets all the attention. This is chronic in some organizations. I worked for someone once who could easily be attracted to high energy, and their listening would lean towards that person at the expense of listening to others. The result was a series of not so good decisions. What becomes useful is to limit how much any one person gets to express their views and to be sure the quieter people are asked their point of view.

These are mostly team leader skills. First to notice, then to reorient to the appropriate conversation. There is always the choice to stay on the straying conversation if deemed relevant, timely, and important to the function of the team.

Diverse Meetings in One Meeting

This is common and has value. What makes this work well is to clearly declare the shift in the type of meeting that is currently happening so everyone knows the terrain being crossed. What might begin as a brainstorming session, once complete, can easily and appropriately be shifted into an action meeting. The important thing is to name the change to allow participants to reorganize themselves from one way of being to another.

Recognizing Differences

The context I am speaking into here is about the relationship people have to their energetic self. Some people are great at getting ideas immediately, what I call “awakening” energy, and others take more time and are “processers.” The processer may not have an immediate response, but given time, their ideas are as good, sometimes better than the awakeners.

When these elements of teams and meetings are practiced, the outcomes I have seen and experienced has meetings be 30% to 50% shorter, and much more gets completed. In the best case, these practices have a shared agreement within the team, and there is a team commitment to the practices.


Do you ever find yourself musing, “I do this thing, I know I do it, I don’t want to do it, and I keep doing it anyway!” In the worst of times, we can find ourselves running on automatic and acting in ways that don’t further our lives or enrich others. In the best of times, our excellent Self will lead the way.

Self-management is the first and most important step when wanting to make changes in our life both personally and professionally. Our humanness demands that we create a “personality” with which to interact with the world. This construct is formed by multiple influences including but not limited to our primary family, the community we grow up in, the institutions we take part in, the historical forces and social context we swim in, and our relationship to “the big energy.” All the influences of this are put on us and happens mostly out of our control.

The part of our life that can be most affected by this shaping is what happens to us under pressure and stress. For some, this is where they shine, and shinning is more rare than being triggered into an automatic-ness of disappearing, fighting back, or acquiescing, and will most likely not be pretty. This moment is when we lose connection to ourselves and other and at the least, we will compromise ourselves, and at the worst it is possible to harm others. Lack of skill here, the skill being the developed ability of self-management, can be very harmful to team dynamics.
When there is a lack of self-control, a disrespect of other points of view and the absence of empathy and compassion, we lose our humanness and begin to see other as object. This will ultimately tear down a team.

One of the impacts of being part of teams that meet virtually, is the difficulty of the lack of human, in-person interaction. This is due in partly because of the venue – virtual – and partly due to lack of skill. High performance teams embody the skill of self-management, and blend together with curiosity, compassion, and dignity.

How We Became Who We Are – Shaping

The immediate “needs” of all of us are present at birth. These needs, referring to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we are naming as Connection/Affection, Belonging, Safety, and being valued or Dignity. These needs are so fundamental to us that we begin to develop our “personality” related to getting these needs met.

The body physically shapes related to our life experiences and getting our needs met in a process called armoring. For example: Consider a scenario in a family where children should be seen and not heard. At times, when the kids get a bit rambunctious, one of both parents get emotional and angry, often with consequences. One of the younger siblings is a target for the others when they get too excited. In other words, when passion and aliveness are expressed, they are marginalized or not safe, or both. A couple of things can happen. In reaction to all this, one can become louder, more demanding. This loudness gets attention, so at least there is attention even if not the best kind. Or, for safety reasons, better to get small and invisible. The former shape could be something like chin up, chest out in a defensive shape, voice loud, taking up too much space. Or the latter shape is somewhat slumped and quiet holding life’s energy tight.

We will all take the shape of our experiences, both positive and not so positive. Look at a group of adults and you will see all different shapes, not tall or short or wide or narrow, but rather how the head sits on the shoulders, is the pelvis recessed or pushed forward, what is the set of the face?

Conditioned Tendency

This term was inspired by Dr. Richard Strozzi-Heckler and relates to the embodied practice we developed in reaction to stress and pressure. Karen Horney suggests these three ways we might react: move away, move towards, or move against. This reaction moves on the instinctual level within us, faster than we can think, making it very difficult to interrupt or stop.

World Class Team Culture

Determining and defining a team culture is the ground upon which the team operates. I have worked with organizations and teams with no defined culture, no rules by which to play the game. Very often team members will then make up the rules which more than likely will be different for different people. Consistency serves, everyone plays by the same rules, no exceptions, and when there is alignment with the values of an organization great things can happen. Every person is different when it comes to, “playing by the rules.” Some will defy the rules, other acquiesce to their detriment, others play with dignity and integrity. Humans appreciate just enough structure, but left on its own, a culture will organize itself which often does not a pretty outcome.

Let’s think about this is a different way. Coming from the belief that a well-grounded culture is not just useful, but necessary, how can this be done? One way is to consider that a defined culture is a set of practices a group of people commit to embodying, and is revealed by day-to-day activities, behaviors and habits, and interactions with other team members. It is the aligned practices of effective coordination. The ground is always about holding the integrity and dignity of oneself, each other, and the organization. Who gets to decide the practices? The team leader or team members names the game, and there is always an openness to assessments about the cultural practices made by team members that can increase the value and effectiveness of the team. This is a component of a world class team, part of cultural practices: there is always not just permission or invitation, but a responsibility to speak up when relevant, useful, or necessary.

What is a practice. As used here, a practice is a commitment to a recurrent action. People have writing practices, music practices, fitness practices, dance practices, practices in so many domains in life. Some examples of cultural practices for teams:

• Be kind, be polite
• Be honest and authentic
• Live dignity and integrity
• All actions build trust
• Make promises and commitments – be accountable, hold others accountable
• Make effective request and offers
• Willingness to admit mistakes
• Everyone is responsible for the success of the team
• Provide grounded assessments where useful or necessary

Not everyone is naturally good at all these things. We could say the above list is a set of skills to be practiced and embodied, and for some, personal development can be very valuable. When a team begins to embody these skills, individual engagement increases, effectiveness increases, bottom line increases, do-overs are deceased substantially, meeting are shorter, quality of work is improved – the list goes on. It’s not about perfection, mistakes will be made.

An effective, defined, and embodied culture allows all players to play their best game.

Common Sense

“The basic level of practical knowledge and judgment.”

Where the heck did it go? I look around and it seems that common sense has left the building. I’ve been looking around for it and this is what I’ve found.

Common sense is a skill. We get trained, or not, in common sense, and this happens on many levels through our development. How was common sense being practiced while growing up? What was happening in the primary family? Whatever configuration you experienced, common sense was revealed to you in how it was being practiced around you. We have several possible responses to experiences: inherit, learn, and/or rebel.

We partially inherit the selves we are closest to growing up. Attitudes get absorbed, generational wounds seep in, and behaviors are adopted. When a pattern fills a basic need, we are attracted to that pattern. The culture, communities, institutions and social norms are the soup we swim in and become ingrained through a kind of osmosis. Through these things and some other factors, our own practice of common sense is formed.

It seems those having experienced hardships in life often come away with a better common sense. Sometimes it takes those kinds of occurences to beat a little sense into us. And that’s part of what happens. If we are paying attention, we will learn something, gain some sense. Other’s lives see little hardship, but this doesn’t mean no common sense. There are too many variables to be definitive.

The best practice related to common sense is to PAY ATTENTION! When the majority of our attention is inward, we just miss what’s going on around us. Assessing our situation has value. Not obsessive assessing, practical assessing. This means we look for proof, we ground our assessments and act accordingly. We don’t just accept things at face value or just because it fits into a scheme of what we want to be true.

When we feel the possibility for a response or action move in us, it becomes easier to trust that feeling through embodying the combination of paying attention, practical assessing, and past experiences. Like anything else, this requires practice, but “right practice.” What do I want to stop doing? What do I want to start doing? How do I interrupt a deep, old, well-practiced pattern?

There is no switch to flip to make this happen. It takes a good common sense approach to long term change.


Yes, uncertainty! We are so in it right now as almost never before in our lifetimes. As a kid growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, we lived through “duck and cover.” For those too young to remember, it was a cold war response to the possibility of a nuclear war, with every building that had a basement was adorned with a fallout shelter sign. I was too young to understand what it was all about, I just remember repeatedly practicing jumping under our desk at school and covering our heads. Like a lot of good that would have done!

So, it’s a different duck and cover now, and the uncertainty of these days affects us all. Some people are good with uncertainty and can navigate well through it. Most people remain in a state of freaked out. What happens to us in that state for a prolonged period of time? Well, to say the least, it’s not healthy. The point of this article is, “What do we do with it?”


One of my favorite quotes is, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl. This is extremely relevant for this time. We can all vote, this is an action we can take, and taking action is one of the cures for these times. The best action to take is what we do internally with ourselves. We have all heard of people in extreme life situations that maintain an amazingly optimistic and positive outlook in the face of what is affecting them. Easy for some, difficult for others.

When we lose our ground, be it through uncertainty, or fear, or the unknown, we have only our “self” to count on. Our individual historical shaping will determine our automatic response in this domain. So, it becomes relevant to understand our history and the “truth” that it thrust upon us. Our history is an interpretation of experiences based on getting our basic human needs met. It is not a truth. Every moment of our present experience is our truth, not our reaction or interpretation of it. In the moment we can self-correct, re-center, and re-ground ourselves into that “self” we want to be. This is a practice. We can practice reshaping ourselves into a positive, optimistic, life-affirming way of being, not once, but recurrently, moment to moment. Reshaping is the key. Moods of resignation, anxiety, shame, resentment, and frustration have a physical shape, as do moods of confidence, calm, pride, acceptance, and joy. If we can adhere to the notion that the body and self are indistinguishable, reshaping the body is reshaping the self. I have been using this practice supporting people in their lives for the past 25 years and it works. Practice these shapes: confidence, calm, pride, acceptance, and joy, and see what it offers you. It is not just a one-time practice, use it recurrently through your day and see the difference it can make.

So get out there and shape yourself into who and how you really want to be! This is the best support you will find in these times of uncertainty.

Personal Choice = Freedom

Behavioral choice is Freedom. Freedom of full expression of the essential self, that who we are destined to be in the world. Choosing to serve in one’s own unique way, choosing kindness over meanness, choosing to listen to how my body/self/intelligence is informing me, and listening to the deepest longing and urges and having the skill to move them forward is the best case outcome from doing our own personal work. The ability to choose who I am and how I act in the moment sets one’s soul free to be fully expressed.


How much choice do we really have? Has my fate and destiny already scripted my future? I choose to believe we have a combination of free will and destiny. But today let’s talk about choice.

Humans are historical animals. That is, we are the sum of all of our experiences up until this moment. Unexamined, our history will rule our behavior though a series of embodied habits and behaviors related to having our basic needs met throughout our childhood and beyond.  And even though our basic template of self will follow us throughout our life, we can make very big, fundamental shifts about who we are and what we embody.

One way to think about coaching: What if I can stop doing that thing I don’t want to do, that I know I do, and that I can’t stop doing? Ah, how refreshing that would be! So much more satisfying, feels so free! How can this happen? Through somatic coaching (and many other styles and structures), one becomes aware of what it is they are doing and how it is being done. Using this awareness and with a practice of interrupting old patterns and narratives with new stories and new practices, one can, over time, be different. Now, when an old automatic tendency shows up, there is a moment of centering around another possibility. One chooses to act differently; one chooses to be a different self. This also opens the possibility of a practice of deep listening, often obscured by historical clutter, which now has a stronger, clearer voice. All of this takes time and practice, there are no quick fixes altering fundamental patterns of behavior. One has to be committed to new practices over time.

Movie – The Art and Mastery of the Long-Lasting Relationship


Please enjoy the presentation below on the

12 Aspects of a Healthy, Generative Relationship


Take a few minutes, snuggle with your partner, and let the show open you to new possibilities.

The Art of the Long-Lasting Relationship

Yanantin and Your Relationship

One of the basic philosophical and religious thoughts in the western world is the distinction that opposites are in conflict. This is reflected in the conversations of “good vs evil” and the “battle” of the sexes, masculine vs feminine. It is also reflected incorrectly in interpretations of feminist philosophy that masculine is bad, and needs to be replaced with the feminine. Many eastern philosophies reflect something different.

“The yin and yang symbol in actuality has very little to do with Western dualism; instead it represents the philosophy of balance, where two opposites co-exist in harmony…”.

It is also the case in many indigenous cultures in South America, in particular in Peru, where they live yanantin, or “complimentary dualism”. As much as we desire to believe these ways of thinking in the west, we have been so deeply programmed with conflicting dualism that even though we can know the distinction of “opposites exist in harmony” intellectually, most often it is not truly lived in our deepest mindsets and actions.

This is reflected in most relationships in either very overt or often covert ways. How do I get the upper hand in my relationship? If I am living the masculine, it can be revealed in a difficulty in understanding feminine and vice versa.  The comprehension that these opposites are actually working together and form a unique whole is frequently missed. We can also see this in ourselves as individuals. How do I balance the conflicting parts of myself, whether it is in the masculine and feminine aspects of myself, or with the parts of ourselves that limit us and produce possibilities within us?  In working with thousands of individuals over the past two decades, almost everyone wants to exorcise the “bad” parts of our selves – “I just want to get that out of me” – and just be the “good” part. Well, I don’t believe it works that way. These parts of ourselves are compliments. The origin of these aspects of ourselves is the same source. For everyone, we are shaped by the world. As David Whyte expresses in his poem “Working Together”:

“We shape our self
To fit this world
And by the world
Are shaped again”

There is nothing “wrong” with us that we have limitations. There is nothing “right” with us that we have “strengths”. These aspects of self complement each other. We focus on our strengths – as it should be – and manage our limitations. Much of our energy is derived from this conflict. It is one of the things that builds character within us. When we give too much energy to either end of this spectrum, we fall out of balance. This conflict within ourselves is reflected in our actions in the world – it cannot be otherwise.

To live this balance in our relationships, particularly in our primary relationship, requires us to first find the balance within ourselves. This is our personal work – to be able to accept ourselves as we are and to love all the different parts of ourselves. We work to balance the masculine qualities and the feminine qualities within ourselves first. This opens the opportunity to be in a balanced relationship. Without this, we will reflect the imbalance in our actions with our partners in ways that make them wrong or that makes us right – another reflection of the “conflict” of right and wrong. Can we be open to possibilities reflected in our partners that don’t seem to fit our own thinking and perceptions? Can we pause long enough to be less reactive – “fighting” – when we are confronted with dissimilar thoughts and ideas? Can we be open to a sensibility that what lands on me as “wrong” may be just another possibility? This is a personal paradigm shift from basic “western” thinking to yanantin. What may seem in conflict is actually just another possibility.

Consider what may happen if we are able to embody complementary dualism as an individual. Instead of conflict, there is openness. Instead of shutting down to “other”, we open to new possibilities. Instead of making “other” wrong, we accept their thinking even if we disagree. What would it be like inside of yourself? What would it be like in your relationship? What would it be like globally?

Make no mistake – this paradigm shift is ambitious. Conflicting dualism is deeply imbued in most of us through religion, movies, TV, advertisements, the news, editorials, politic debates – we are surrounded with it. We swim in the soup of it daily. It is work to make this shift, and like any other way we may want to change aspects of ourselves, it is possible. A good question to ask ourselves is how this manifest in us. What are the stories I live in that reflect conflicting dualism – about myself, others, and the world? What actions do I take in my life that reflects this? What am I practicing internally and externally? It is through this deep and thorough introspection that we are revealed, and these revelations allow us to make new choices. With persistence and perseverance we can put these new choices into practice. And with practice over time, we change.

What Is Ecosomatic

Welcome to my Ecosomatic blog. It seems appropriate I begin with a definition and explanation of the word “ecosomatic”, as that is the descriptive term I am using as the methodology for my transformative coaching work. I could also say it is the background conversation for how I see people I work with. Ecosomatic has everything to do with aliveness. I feel that some of the most important work for us in the modern world is to reconnect to the natural world, and for many if not most, this begins with a depthful connection to ourselves. So here we go:

Ecosomatic – The intersection and coupling of Deep Ecology and Somatics

Deep Ecology – “The foundations of deep ecology are the basic intuitions and experiencing of ourselves and Nature which comprise ecological conscience.” Deep Ecology-Bill Devall, George Sessions

The first principle of deep ecology put forth by George Sessions and Arne Naess (1985) relates directly to an ecosomatic approach to transformation:

The well-being and flourishing of human and non-human Life on Earth have value in themselves. These values are also values unto themselves.

Somatics – The human living body in its fullness. This fullness includes: cognitive, narratives, stories; moods and emotions, a felt sense of; life, energy, sensation, awareness.

The principles of an embodied somatic life has humans living generatively within themselves, within families and communities, with environmental and social justice a living and breathing reality. (Paraphrased from the work of Richard Strozzi-Heckler)

Hazda Woman

Hazda Woman – Tanzania

There was a time in human history when all humans lived in full relationship with the natural world. We not only lived in this relationship, but recognized our place and role as stewards and caretakers of the life that surrounds us. There are still a few places left on the planet where this survives – deep in the jungle, deep in the African bush, and pockets of the revival of very old indigenous ways in the modern world. There was a knowing and necessity to take care of all life. The embodied wisdom was that when we thrive, we all thrive; when we suffer, we all suffer. As a standard this has been to an overwhelmingly great extent, lost. This separation and disconnect of humans from the natural world began thousands of years ago. There is no distinct moment or event we can point to be able to say “This is when it started”, as there seems to be a very gradual beginning with an acceleration in the last 500 years. Upon close inspection there looks to be a direct relationship to the lost of our embodiment of the natural world and the beginnings and growing of human civilization.

One way to approach scrutinizing civilization is that it fits the needs and breakdowns of the times. As larger and larger groups of people began to live together existing forms of relationships, behaviors, beliefs, land use, tribal boundries, war, and taboos had to change to ensure our safety and survival (food) of the populations. (I will be delving more deeply in this transformation and separation in future postings)

What this separation from the natural world has produced is what may be termed “the ills of the modern world”: pollution, scarcity of water, alteration and destruction of the natural world, brutalization and oppression of certain groups of people, an epidemic of self-loathing, self-destruction, distrust of ourselves and others. At the same time, humans have achieved the miraculous in the fields of technology and medicine. We live longer, our lives are more comfortable, we live in more peace and safety – oh, but wait – not all of us. Not all humans on the planet are served by the miraculous. Upon closer inspection, it appears the miraculous arrives on the shoulders of those who don’t live in it.

Ecosomatic transformation is an approach that includes the principles of deep ecology, combined with the somatic process of embodied change to produce satisfaction and fulfillment in individuals, couples, families, communities and organizations. It reconnects us to the nature that we all are. It asks that we live in accordance to values that regard all life as sacred to assist in living as balanced, generative humans in a balanced generative world.

In future blogs I will be exploring the history of our separation from the natural world, deep humanity, what it is to live an Integrated Self, with purpose and fulfillment, generativity, reciprocity, and the necessity of fun and play. I invite your questions and comments.